Hi, May I Please Have

May I please have a

sugar-free

fat-free

salt-free

gluten-free

cupcake?

(And if it's not too much to ask, can it also be delicious?)

Aww, Yeah, Skinny B*tchezzz

There's a book out there called Skinny Bitch. I admit I walked past it half a dozen times before picking it up, trying to decide whether or not I should be offended by it. Being a, erm, skinny bitch myself, I reflected on the times people have remarked on my being thin. As a kid, just like fat kids, I was ridiculed, called Olive Oyl. 

Whatever, it builds character, but when you become an adult and people continue to ridicule, it's hard to know what to think.

Let me give you a few examples of skinny bitchisms that have happened to me:

Thanksgiving in Mexico, a heavyset American woman comments on the fact that I haven't put any turkey on my plate saying, right into my ear, as we walk through the buffet and she piles it on, "take a little turkey, it'll put some meat on your bones."

Sitting out in the sunshine at Panera Bread during mid-morning, snacking on a low-fat banana muffin and drinking an Americano, a woman who looked to be in her fifties breezes past, commenting on the fact that I'm just "going to get skinner snacking on that."

Woah, Nelly! In both instances I went red for an instant (and I should note, these are not isolated events...people often hug me and comment on how they can wrap their arms around me, or can't get over the fact that I'd wear stilettos *gasp!* at this height/weight) and then remembered that I'm healthy, that I practice yoga and take care of my body. It's my body and it must make folks feel better (?) to make snarky remarks about my size.

Back to Skinny Bitch. I haven't read it but they are witty ladies. They talk smack on soda and teach you how to "have a sweet ass." I think this must be the reason it's constantly at the top of the bookselling lists. "Stop being a moron and start being skinny," reads the back, and inside you see things about portion control. I know I'm not perfect, but I felt no compulsion to buy the book, as I already subscribe to most of what I saw.

My grandfather has said to me, more than once, that if I turn sideways I disappear. He's got a potbelly for days, so I guess I could ridicule him for that, but I don't find it helpful. I wouldn't dream of calling him a porker while he eats yet another steak - but it's ok for him to tell me to go on, get seconds, because I need to eat more. 

This post is for the skinny bitches out there. Stay skinny but make sure you're bulked up enough that you can punch somebody's lights out if they are mean to you about being string beany.

Or not. I don't advocate violence. But a little muscular definition might scare the jerks off. And the threat of bodily harm might be enough to keep the haters at bay.

Either way, skinny bitches, keep on keeping it realer. 

Top 5 Ways to Look Hot

5. Cut out sugar.

4. Cut out sugar.

3. Cut out sugar.

2. Cut out sugar.

1. CUT OUT SUGAR.

This is the hard one for me. I've just created homemade chai and homemade cocoa (spicy Mayan!). Because if I can't get my sugar fix somebody gets hurt. And I know "a little" honey or agave is ok, but I'm honestly trying to cut down to even the smallest amounts of honey/agave and just run with the natural fruit sugar. And cantaloupe is saving my ass right now. Week 2? Almost through it & nobody's dead yet.

Week 1: Challenges & Successes (travel to San Francisco)

The first week of the peak condition project found me out the door to Sebastopol for the weekend. The event I was attending and participating in is called Social Web Foo Camp - a geeky get together where a bunch of creatives, developers, designers and social media folks ideate for three days while sleeping in tents. Great, wonderful gathering. Here's my takeaway from a health/wellness perspective.

Challenges:

Travel. Round trip from Denver to San Francisco and back again this weekend

(In-flight offerings: M&Ms, trail mix, chocolate covered nuts, cereal and tortilla chips with salsa). Like seriously, best you can do is eat before or after.

Geeking out means doing geeky things - like being on a computer and consuming large quantities of beer. Meals were great - veg options available. The snacks/beer time was a little tough in terms of temptation but I did a good job limiting beer consumption. Kept it to about 3/4 cup each night.

Allergies. Make it tough to breathe well when jumproping.

Leg lifts. By the last set I really feel them.

Salt. WHERE does it all come from? And why is it in everything? Even nuts, this food you'd expect to be healthy and good for you, is negated somehow by the obnoxious levels of salt in it. I knew this already but now feel more compelled to than ever before to carry my own unsalted nuts with me when I'm traveling.

Successes:

Food intake. Wasn't really that tough to cut it because I don't normally eat until I'm full anyway. 

Bacon. Good news, I don't have a lot of crappy fats like bacon to cut out of my diet. When polled, the room was asked about the things they love the most. Bacon and beer came up a lot. I'm down with beer but don't eat meat, so thankfully you won't see me in the bacon aisle looking like a hungry zombie.

Sleeping. I seem to sleep better when my days are completely full and I've worked out.

Laptop yoga. Both mornings I led a session of yoga for the attendees. It was great to move our bodies and one guy remarked it made his day and set the tone for the rest of the day. Which made it seem more important/compelling that I continue to do what I do - reaching out more to those that may not be exposed to it, but who really need to move their bodies.